ok, so i'm a member of this Tallahassee Pagans email group. i joined forever ago to keep up with gatherings and hopefully meet like-minded pagans in the area so that maybe i wouldn't feel like the only little pagan on the block, as i usually am...i don't post, and generally, i just lurk and scan the happenings...a few days ago, someone posted this garbage called "hello, i'm a witch", and i am pissed off to say the least...it's kinda long, but in order to get the full effect, i'm posting the whole thing...bear with me...

"Hello, I am a Witch," says the man sporting a pentagram the size of an SUV, wearing all black and just waiting for some one to call him out for being different. My god! He will kill my cat and steal my babies. I won't hire him/ be his friend/have further dealings with him! Now lets try a different scenario: John just got a new job and he is getting along great with every one. He shows that he has great work ethic, contributes new and helpful ideas, and he is dependable and trust worthy. After working at his job for a few months, some religious topics come up in the break room and John is asked his opinion. "Well as a Pagan I believe…” In which situation does it seem more likely that some one would be open to learning the positive side to a way of life they are not used to? As Pagans we hold the responsibility for others opinions of our entire community. Stereotypes are everywhere. Chose not to contribute to them. John, the regular guy, just gave a whole group of people a reason to trust the Pagan community more than they might have already because he presented himself as part of the mainstream society as well. The other guy just added to the, "Those freaks all dress the same, and act out. They are up to no good. STAY AWAY." I am not saying not to wear you favorite Pagan jewelry, or not to disclose that you follow a different path to your new friend. I am asking you to think about how you are representing the rest of us when you do these things. If you are the only Pagan that some one knows then your personality traits, be they flaws or wonderful merits to your character, become a stereotype that they will associate with the next Pagan they meet.

Think of people in a different religion. Pagans so often have angst with Christianity. The main reason is that most Christians they have come into to contact with were not the "norm." Maybe you met them in the mall and the first words out of their mouth were, "Do you know Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?" followed by hassling to listen to their spiel. Maybe they came to your doorstep to tell you about their religion. Maybe it was a co-worker or classmate that always talks about uncomfortable topics to see how you would react. Those people's actions could easily take over your opinion of Christianity if they were the only Christians you ever encountered. Luckily, they probably are not. You probably have the opportunity to know many great people that just happen to be Christian, not people who are defined by their Christianity. However, Pagans are not as numerous, and you may be the only pagan some one knows for quite a while. Do you want that person to think that Pagans are religious zealots who define every aspect of their lives by their religion? I would hope you would rather them think that you are an
everyday guy who just happens to be Pagan.

So many times I go out into the Pagan community for a meet and greet of other local pagans and I come back with a bad taste in my mouth. I see exactly what I just described above, but it is in our circles. Pagans who enjoy stirring up trouble. They feed off others attention so they act out. People notice. They also notice the pentagram around their neck. Many times the people like this are only "Pagan" for the attention so even if the people noticing them decide to ask about Paganism or Wicca the "attention getter" would not really know what they were explaining. Sadly, the rest of us are on our best behavior and we do not get noticed. The only recognizing being done is for those who don't deserve it. A common saying goes, "It takes one "aw sh**", to erase a thousand "atta boys." People always remember the bad over the good. It would be so amazing to see a society where a Pagan was the same as any one else and we did not have to worry about these things.

A lot of people get hung up on the fact they should not have to act a certain way or be sensitive to what a Christian might think if they do this or that. I know you should not have to. I know it is wrong to be judged. You are being judged though. So, now, I ask even more of you. Something that I think many people will not like. Censor yourself.
When out in public watch what you say about Paganism. You may know what is involved in "casting a spell" or "invoking the goddess" but Jane Doe in the grocery Isle does not. Hearing tidbits of a conversation you are having with your buddy about a ritual you did the other day is probably unsettling for some one who does not know what you are talking
about. It can also be the cause of untrue rumors and gossip. By the time Jane Doe is finished telling about her encounter with you the church down the street may be holding a service about how there are local witches summoning demons from hell and poisoning
the local duck pond.

Now I challenge you with what might be the hardest thing yet. If some one confronts you directly about your religion or beliefs looking for an argument, WALK AWAY! Walk away especially if you are in view of other people. You may know you can win. You may even think you can change their mind about Paganism. You will not achieve either however. They approached you with intent on being right so in their mind they will be no matter what you say. If there are on lookers you will both seem immature for your dispute. It can only lead to negative energy and scuffed up feelings and egos on both sides. Here is the alternative I offer you. Send them a letter outlining what you believe, make it sweet and understanding. Then they cannot provoke you to say something you will regret. Also, you win. You showed maturity in the situation. They may be so impressed that actually listen to what you had to say in your letter. So you say, "I don't do any of that stuff. I am good, why did I even read this trash?"
Well then I ask you, "What do you do?"

If we, Pagans, don't need people out there stirring up negative talk and publicity for us then what do we need? Pagans who stir up positive attention for our side. Pagans raising money for charity, Pagans cleaning up the environment, Pagans volunteering at their local hospital or building homes with habitat for humanity. We need Pagans taking up leadership roles in our community. We need to be getting noticed for all the right reasons. I don't care how poor or busy you may think you are you can find time or money to give to a worthy cause. You will not regret it. I have had some of the most rewarding experiences of my life helping others. I challenge you! Don't be showy about what you believe; other people do not like that. Remember what you do changes peoples opinions of you and others. Be discrete in what you talk about it public. Don't try to stir up trouble. Walk away from arguments. Make a positive difference in other peoples lives so they have higher standards for the rest of us. Be that nice person who just happens to be Pagan.

do you see why i'm pissed off? first of all...just because i or anyone else happens to wear all or mostly black and chooses to wear a pentagram, does not make us the fool who goes bashing around looking for christians to attack...i am that lots of black and a pentagram kinda girl but anyone who knows me can tell you that i don't go looking for a fight. you bring me one and i will have it out, but usually i'm that "nice person who just happens to be pagan"...i understand that there are those in our community who give us a bad name, but i'm here to tell you...i have met just as many if not more "broom closeted" pagans who give us a bad name as i have "craft" pagans dammit...

i have to stop there...this is awfully short given the length of the cause, but i spent twenty minutes responding to them, and i'm pooped...just wanted to vent a little...i guess it just goes to show you that fundamentlism is everywhere...just in different ways

Book Life 2: Are you sure you can't catch things from watching tv shows about diseases?

Just Checking: Scenes from the Life of an Obsessive-Compulsive by Emily Colas

an only slightly less objective book blog...

“Scars are great. They’re this outward symbol of some personal pain. Just by looking at a scar, you know that person has suffered. Usually, or maybe almost exclusively, medically. But what about the suffering insane? We have no scars. That’s why we have to make them ourselves.”

“It was like some god somewhere was telling me, “We have something else for you. Something special.” I was honored. Until I realized that special treat was insanity.”

Like most all ocd memoirs, this one hits a little too close to home. Admittedly, she has it much worse than I do now. My early to mid-teen bout of scrupulosity and possibly some pieces of my more recent life are close, but I could at least leave the house; she couldn’t. What I was so happy to see was her description of the “crazier than you” thoughts. She has this one-up conversation with her close friend who is a recovering heroin addict about who is crazier, who has it worse. While I don’t remember ever having this conversation with anyone, there is a variation that occurs in my mind on a fairly constant basis. OCD is not generally an outwardly noticeable disorder, or at least not to people who don’t know you well. So, you end up discussing with yourself whether you can safely call yourself crazy, insane, in need of help. Maybe it’s just me blowing my symptoms out of proportion. Obviously I’m not crazy. I do not see little orange people who aren’t there. I have not randomly tried to stab a loved one or a stranger (though being in close proximity to a sharp instrument has often caused the fear that I might without intending or wanting to). So I must not be crazy…or at least not as crazy as other people. And it would be selfish to assume I am and suck up sympathy or help or time with my overblown crap. But we are nuts. And what makes it worse is that we know we’re nuts. In general, we know that the things we do have no basis in rationality. It makes no sense to check that the car door is locked 3, 6, 9, or 17 times. It makes no sense to eat candies in threes and give the leftovers to one’s wife. It makes no sense to arrange shirts by color (spectrum then shade order) and in alphabetical order. But I do it. It pisses me off that I feel I have to do it and that I know it’s nuts and still proceed with it.

That is our special curse—what colas calls “insanity lite”: “All the taste, none of the good stuff. It was as if I was suffering as much as anyone else who had lost their mind, but since I was still able to be rational, since I knew what I was doing was bizarre, I wasn’t really crazy. I had this belief that somehow life would be easier if I was just completely mad.”

One thing I envy about colas’ ocd: it was constant. That may sound strange, and I am positive that she wished it was not. But like her belief that it would be easier to be completely mad, somehow, I think it would be better if my symptoms were constant and not in this unpredictable cycle. I never know what I’ll wake up to—crazy Dawn or regular Dawn. Will I be able to open a public bathroom door with three layers of paper towels today or will I wait insanely by the door to catch it with my foot as someone else comes in? Who knows? And that is what makes me so damned unbalanced…well, a piece of it anyway…

Book Life 1: The Tale of the Renaissance Lesbian Nun

Immodest Acts: The Life of a Lesbian Nun in Renaissance Italy by Judith C. Brown

I have been wanting this book since I came across it randomly mentioned in another book, for obvious reasons. My lifelong obsession with religion and asceticism combined with lesbian life in the Renaissance…who could ask for more.

In any case, the book was fabulous. Brown reconstructed the tale of Benedetta Carlini from documents she found in a miscellaneous file while researching another topic in Italian history. Sister Benedetta went to the convent at age 9, which was not that unusual then, and went on to establish herself as a mystic for a time. She would have visions of Jesus and various saints who sometimes spoke through her. She claimed to have literally exchanged hearts with Christ (which was not an unusual thing for female mystics in that era) and was married to Christ in a ceremony whose decorations, guests, and components were supposedly dictated to her by Jesus himself. She received the stigmata and a pale yellow wedding ring appeared on her finger.

Several inconsistencies and unusual pieces of the visions and actions of Benedetta drew an inquiry from the Church, and it was decided that she was a fraud. The Church took the more ecclesiastic route and declared her deceived by the Devil. The most interesting information that surfaced during the investigation did not precisely have to do with the divine or diabolical nature of the visions, however. When she began having visions and trance states, Benedetta was assigned a companion nun, Bartolomea, to stay near her to assist when these things occurred. In the second inquiry, Bartolomea revealed that she had been forced to partake in “lewd” activities with Benedetta, who was supposedly being used for the purpose by Splenditello, an angel that guarded Sister Benedetta for Jesus. Splenditello told Bartolomea that he wished for her to be his beloved and that what they were doing was not sinful (ostensibly since he was an angel sent by God and Benedetta had no idea what he was doing). Benedetta denied knowledge of the many, many, many occurrences (every night and during nearly every day for years), which would fit with her insistence that she was channeling Splenditello and not doing these things herself. However, in my opinion, the way in which Bartolomea described the whole encounter leads me to believe that it was a mutual relationship, and the two of them were simply doing what they had to do to prevent being burned at the stake (the likely punishment had they been discovered to have done these things willingly). One can’t really fault them for it, given the time period.

Brown discusses the Renaissance beliefs about sexual misconduct in the introduction as well as extensively in footnotes and the epilogue. What is fascinating is that the punishments handed out to “lesbian” offenders were generally harsher and more aimed at women who defied norms of gendered living rather than the sexual act itself. For instance, in one case, a young woman lived as a man to the extent that she took on a wife, and when they were discovered, it was the one living as a man that was punished. (She chose to die by hanging rather than return to life as a girl.) As far as the records go, the wife was not blamed for any wrongdoing.

A last idea that Brown included was the separation of what has been called “holy anorexia” from modern notions of eating disorders. I understand the distinction, as food has very different meanings now as opposed to then. However, in the particular descriptions given of Benedetta’s actions, I would have to say that I think she was suffering from a medieval version of anorexia/bulimia with all the attendant obsessive features, some so noticeable to the other nuns that they made constant mention of them.

All in all, Benedetta’s story was incredibly interesting, I’d recommend it to anyone interested in notions of gender either within religion or outside of it.

It is not political...

Thursday I had a conversation with a girl in one of my classes...somehow we got on the topic of gay people...she said, "I have no problem with people being gay. I have a lot of gay friends, but I don't believe in gay marriage." excuse me, what? First off, someone needs to tell your gay friends...second, how is that even possible? To be friends with someone, you should be able to empathize with them, and in order to do that, you have to actually think they are people. By saying that they don't deserve to be able to marry, isn't that just as good as saying they are lesser human beings?

I asked this person to give me a good reason why we shouldn't be able to marry that did not have to do with religion or scripture. The only response she had was to say that that isn't how it was originally created by God. Hello? A reason separate from religion. No one has yet to be able to do it...because there isn't one...Aside from their narrow freaking idea of creation and their ancient scriptures, there is nothing to be said that will hold up. I am so glad that someone else came up to talk to her after her response, because I was seriously about to go into raging lesbian mode and show the hell out. And I could not have helped myself.

To quote a fabulous lesbian I once heard speak, "It is not political, IT'S MY LIFE" We're fighting for our freaking lives here, dammit...

oh the geekiness knows no bounds

So, I'm starting my honors thesis soon, and I had to get a thesis director. And I am very excited that one of the most awesome professors on the planet agreed to be my director--Dr. Erndl! Not only that, Dr. Gray, the equally awesome, whom I thought would not be back from her fulbright teaching in morocco by next fall, actually said she WANTS to be on my defense committee! I hugged the woman for that one...I had a really good school day, y'all!!!

and it occurs to me that the level of one's geekitude (and yes that is a word...at least now it is) can be measured by the people on whom and the reasons for one's little crushes...i have such the academic girly-crushes on drs. gray and erndl...it is sad, I must say...so, anyway, i figure that makes me Queen Geek, Her Majesty of Nerd Land...

Book Life

I don't know how long I will actually do it, but I'm going to try to do a post for each new and interesting book I read, whether for school or not. I just got this one as a gift, and I will be starting it as soon as I am done with this semester's work (2 more papers and one more exam!). Book geek that I am, it seems appropriate...

Immodest Acts: The Life of a Lesbian Nun in Renaissance Italy by Judith C. Brown, Oxford University Press, 1986.

Despite my relative lack of experience with the Catholic faith, I am inordinately fascinated by nuns. A few years ago I read Virgins of Venice: Enclosed Lives and Broken Vows in the Renaissance Convent by Mary Laven (Viking, 2003) and loved it. Of course, when I was born my mother was Catholic, so maybe I picked up the interest through the placenta or osmosis or something. I do remember quite vividly wanting to be a nun for a while--they were the only female images of religious roles I had...and I think I thought I was some sort of modern day girl answer to Jesus or something...I do still want to save the world...though the wimple and chastity vows don't look half so good from 29 as they did from 4...

to be continued when i actually get to read the damn book lol

The True Definition of Gay Rage

In one particular gay-bashing/murder case a few years ago, the perpetrators/defendants/evil morons tried to use a defense of "gay rage". Their definition: they were uncontrollably enraged by the victim having supposedly hitting on them. My definition: the feeling an lgbt person gets when they read crap like that and what i read today.

In the spring, I'm starting an honors in the major thesis on the quiverfull and purity ball movements among modern American evangelicals. In searching for resources, I read through some of the Duggar family website (see TLC's specials and reality show) on which Michelle mentions a "Christian medical doctor". Intrigued, I searched the web...lo and behold there is an organization for them, the Christian Medical and Dental Association (cmda.org). They have various crap lying about, and I found their ethics statements on homosexuality. (see www.cmda.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Sexuality&CONTENTID=4089&TEMPLATE=/CM/ContentDisplay.cfm)
If this is the kind of bullshit fundamentalists are being fed, no wonder they hate us and think we can't handle marriage or that we'll destroy the world at some point. I quote:

"Homosexual relationships are typically brief in duration. Homosexual behavior is destructive to the structures necessary for healthy marriages, families and society. Men who commit homosexual acts have a high incidence of promiscuity, child molestation, and sexually transmitted infections. Homosexual behaviors burden society with increased medical costs, increased disability, and loss of productivity.

Homosexual behavior can be self-propagating. Some homosexual groups and individuals engage in active recruitment. A child who is sexually molested has an increased likelihood of later engaging in homosexual acts. There is also an increased incidence of homosexual activity among children raised by same sex couples. Adoption into such environments puts children at risk.

Legalizing or blessing same sex marriage or civil unions is harmful to the stability of society, the raising of children and the institution of marriage. If the only criterion for marriage were mutual consent or commitment, there are no grounds to prohibit polygamy, polyandry or incestuous unions." [emphasis added]

Are you kidding me? I mean really, are you fucking kidding me? This is what causes TRUE gay rage...this is why the top of my head feels like it's going to blow off most of the time...These are licensed medical and dental practitioners, and they are spreading these lies! They are in positions of authority for people, and what do they do with it but spread this...someone tell me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this seem to be against some sort of oath that a doctor should take? maybe not, but dammit WHY not!